Does anyone remember the day you brought your sweet baby into the world? Better yet, do you remember the first week? I have 3 kids, my youngest two being a year apart in age. I vaguely remember much of anything from the first few minutes of their little lives to the entire first week in its entirety. It’s heartbreaking, and a little scary to be honest. I believe I would be dishonest if I told you otherwise. It’s a whirlwind of emotion, bliss and absolute pure exhaustion. How we group these feelings together is amazing to me. From 1st time Mamas to Mamas with 6 kids or more. Once our sweet babies are born, we turn into these super human machines who, despite the fear & the unknown we just do it. We do it. We were made for this right? Yes, God gave us this incredible superpower called motherly instinct. I have to give God all the Glory for this cause it’s what kept me going in those very early days, but I also feel like as much as this motherly instinct kicks in naturally we do other new Mamas a huge disservice. We only seem to share all of the good, the happy, the excitement. What about the other feelings? Yes, you know…. the sadness, the anxiety, the fear. The fear is oftentimes crippling. I know I can’t be the only one who has experienced these other feelings. It’s confusing when we feel like this because this is supposed to be the happiest time of our lives right? Right… But after the new wears off, the fog lifts & if you’re lucky the meal trains end and the flood of people stop calling, texting or stopping by, reality hits. You’re often times left alone to face the hard stuff by yourself. I felt so ashamed. I didn’t want to tell anyone how fear started to rule my life, the anxiety of everything that was going on around me was making me feel hopeless. Who do you call when reality hits? My mom was my go to. But I didn’t share the darkness with her. I was embarrassed. I am supposed to be this strong, independent machine. No, no, I wasn’t. I was weak, I was sad, so sad that I could barely get myself out of bed to get my oldest up and off to school most days. Postpartum depression is real, it’s confusing, it’s shameful and it has no boundaries. Long nights of crying, little sleep and desperation magnified these feelings. Then anger, oh anger makes you feel so out of control. You’re angry about everything. The dog, your husband and his sleep filled nights. Your other children. The people around you who you feel should be supporting you and when they don’t do what you need it makes you feel unloved. Feeling unloved was the worst feeling of all for me. When I look back, now I understand this is the desperation telling me I am unloved. I wasn’t. But my gosh, when you’re in the trenches of dirty diapers, dirty bottles, dishes and laundry with little to no help, not feeling loved is the worst feeling. This cycle of postpartum depression is viscous and spares no ugliness. I reached out to many people in my pipeline. Hey girl, how are you? Want to get together this week? Silence. Hey girl, wanna have lunch this week? Silence. Posted in my Private Mom group about the way I was feeling. No comments. Not one single person. I needed to know someone could relate, was feeling this way, understood. Silence. It was devastating. I remember looking at this perfect, tiny little baby and crying from the pit of my stomach with my tears falling onto her sweet face and telling her “I love you so much, but I’m so sorry I am not a good Mama” I was desperate for a connection, with anyone. I talked to my baby, told her how sad I was, but told her I loved her and it wasn’t her fault. It wasn’t. With the help of medicine and eventually sharing my dark feelings with my Husband and his sweet words of encouragement, things did get easier. When I decided to open up and share my struggles with postpartum depression and life, it’s taken me months to actually get the courage to start this blog and write out these feelings. I know it will be healing and with time, if I help one Mama that might be feeling this way but doesn’t understand why, I will feel like it’s worth it. It’s okay to feel this way, it’s okay to not understand why you’re sad, angry or unloved. The truth about Motherhood is there are gonna be happy times, sad times, and times where you’re absolutely done and need a break. If you’re questioning whether you’re a good Mama, you’re already a good Mama. We need to remind ourselves and the women around us, We are Human, we are not machines. We have needs and we need to remember to take care of our needs to be able to continue taking care of the needs of our family. A shower, a quiet drive to the grocery store alone, a night out with our husband, a quiet evening to read or catch up on the DVR. Those are small things that revive my soul and give me the energy I need for those hard days, those 14 hour Daylight Savings Times, my husband is working 10 hours days. Celebrate the little victories and remember, you are LOVED. The tiny people who depend on you daily but also exhaust you to depths you never realized were even possible LOVE you more than anything in their little lives & for me today that is ENOUGH.