Lonely Mama…

Lonely….

The saddest part of my heart….

Where do I even start. The only phone calls I receive are spam. Telling me my Federal Student Loans are eligible for relief. I don’t have any federal student loans. Then the ones that say my $10,000.00 in debt needs to be reviewed. Nope. No $10,000.00 in debt either. Daily phone calls from my husband are like clockwork, 6:00 Pm & 8:45 pm. I live for those phone calls, they give me a connection to the outside world I was once apart of, 5 short years ago. Texts. Yes. I get those. But not like you think. Kohl’s 25% off, Bed, Bath and Beyond 20% off, hurry before this offer ends. Mazzio’s $6.99 1 topping pizzas. No Happy Birthday texts in several years. No phone calls to tell me Happy Birthday. No invites for a girls night, a movie, dinner, drinks…

silence…. complete silence…

The silence some days is too much to bear. It turns me into a raging crazy woman. I am not good enough. I don’t deserve friends. I don’t deserve meaningful connections. No one likes me. No one loves me. I get occasional messages on Facebook inviting me to a Facebook party, but it’s not a friendship connection, it’s a dollar sign and they want to earn free gift off my purchase. I’ve reached out and tried to make connections. These are few and far between now. I won’t even attempt this any longer, it only ends in heartache for me. I feel like I’m scrolling my way through life desperately searching for a connection and there’s none to be found. I love my girls, they are my world, but I need an adult conversation, someone who understands the trenches of life. Social media has its pros, but I really am realizing there are far more cons in this “social” media way of life we’ve come to know. I’ve learned a lot about myself the past year after the fog has lifted on a scary run of PP Depression, Anxiety & all of the above. There seems to be seasons in life that we all go through. This season sucks, really sucks. I believe I’ve been put in this season to learn something, not sure what that lesson is, but I will just continue to navigate this and pray that the silver lining is there somewhere. Until then… I will love on these girls and find my fulfillment and joy in the wonder of their eyes & the life I am Blessed with, even if I don’t always understand.

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