Lonely Mama…

Lonely….

The saddest part of my heart….

Where do I even start. The only phone calls I receive are spam. Telling me my Federal Student Loans are eligible for relief. I don’t have any federal student loans. Then the ones that say my $10,000.00 in debt needs to be reviewed. Nope. No $10,000.00 in debt either. Daily phone calls from my husband are like clockwork, 6:00 Pm & 8:45 pm. I live for those phone calls, they give me a connection to the outside world I was once apart of, 5 short years ago. Texts. Yes. I get those. But not like you think. Kohl’s 25% off, Bed, Bath and Beyond 20% off, hurry before this offer ends. Mazzio’s $6.99 1 topping pizzas. No Happy Birthday texts in several years. No phone calls to tell me Happy Birthday. No invites for a girls night, a movie, dinner, drinks…

silence…. complete silence…

The silence some days is too much to bear. It turns me into a raging crazy woman. I am not good enough. I don’t deserve friends. I don’t deserve meaningful connections. No one likes me. No one loves me. I get occasional messages on Facebook inviting me to a Facebook party, but it’s not a friendship connection, it’s a dollar sign and they want to earn free gift off my purchase. I’ve reached out and tried to make connections. These are few and far between now. I won’t even attempt this any longer, it only ends in heartache for me. I feel like I’m scrolling my way through life desperately searching for a connection and there’s none to be found. I love my girls, they are my world, but I need an adult conversation, someone who understands the trenches of life. Social media has its pros, but I really am realizing there are far more cons in this “social” media way of life we’ve come to know. I’ve learned a lot about myself the past year after the fog has lifted on a scary run of PP Depression, Anxiety & all of the above. There seems to be seasons in life that we all go through. This season sucks, really sucks. I believe I’ve been put in this season to learn something, not sure what that lesson is, but I will just continue to navigate this and pray that the silver lining is there somewhere. Until then… I will love on these girls and find my fulfillment and joy in the wonder of their eyes & the life I am Blessed with, even if I don’t always understand.

Look up

Look Up.

I have 422 friends, yet I am lonely.

I speak to all of them everyday, yet none of them really know me.

The problem I have sits in the spaces between,

looking into their eyes, or at a name on a screen.

I took a step back, and opened my eyes,

I looked around, and then realised

that this media we call social, is anything but

when we open our computers, and it’s our doors we shut.

All this technology we have, it’s just an illusion,

of community, companionship, a sense of inclusion

yet when you step away from this device of delusion,

you awaken to see, a world of confusion.

A world where we’re slaves to the technology we mastered,

where our information gets sold by some rich greedy bastard.

A world of self-interest, self-image, self-promotion,

where we share all our best bits, but leave out the emotion.

We are at our most happy with an experience we share,

but is it the same if no one is there.

Be there for you friends, and they’ll be there too,

but no one will be, if a group message will do.

We edit and exaggerate, we crave adulation,

we pretend we don’t notice the social isolation.

We put our words into order, until our lives are glistening,

we don’t even know if anyone is listening.

Being alone isn’t the problem, let me just emphasize,

that if you read a book, paint a picture, or do some exercise,

you are being productive, and present, not reserved or recluse,

you’re being awake and attentive, and putting your time to good use.

So when you’re in public, and you start to feel alone,

put your hands behind your head, and step away from the phone.

You don’t need to stare at your menu, or at your contact list,

just talk to one another, and learn to co-exist.

I can’t stand to hear the silence, of a busy commuter train,

when no one wants to talk through the fear of looking insane.

We’re becoming unsocial, it no longer satisfies

to engage with one another, and look into someone’s eyes.

We’re surrounded by children, who since they were born,

watch us living like robots, and think it’s the norm.

It’s not very likely you will make world’s greatest dad,

if you cant entertain a child without a using an iPad.

When I was a child, I would never be home,

I’d be out with my friends, on our bikes we would roam.

We’d ware holes in our trainers, and graze up our knees;

we’d build our own clubhouse, high up in the trees.

Now the parks are so quiet, it gives me a chill

to see no children outside and the swings hanging still.

There’s no skipping or hopscotch, no church and no steeple,

we’re a generation of idiots, smart phones and dumb people.

So look up from your phone, shut down that display,

take in your surroundings, and make the most of today.

Just one real connection is all it can take,

to show you the difference that being there can make.

Be there in the moment, when she gives you the look,

that you remember forever, as when love overtook.

The time you first hold her hand, or first kiss her lips,

the time you first disagree, but still love her to bits.

The time you don’t need to tell hundreds, about what you’ve just done,

because you want to share the moment, with just this one.

The time you sell your computer, so you can buy a ring,

for the girl of your dreams, who is now the real thing.

The time you want to start a family, and the moment when,

you first hold your baby girl, and get to fall in love again.

The time she keeps you up at night, and all you want is rest,

and the time you wipe away the tears, as your baby flees the nest.

The time your little girl returns, with a boy for you to hold,

and the day he calls you granddad, and makes you feel real old

The time you take in all you’ve made, just by giving life attention,

and how your glad you didn’t waste it, by looking down at some invention.

The time you hold your wife’s hand, and sit down beside her bed

you tell her that you love her, and lay a kiss upon her head.

She then whispers to you quietly, as her heart gives a final beat,

that she’s lucky she got stopped, by that lost boy in the street.

But none of these times ever happened, you never had any of this,

When you’re too busy looking down, you don’t see the chances you miss.

So look up from your phone, shut down those displays,

we have a finite existence, a set number of days.

Why waste all our time getting caught in the net,
as when the end comes, nothing’s worse than regret.

I am guilty too, of being part of this machine,

this digital world, where we are heard but not seen.

Where we type and don’t talk, where we read as we chat,

where we spend hours together, without making eye contact.

Don’t give in to a life where you follow the hype,

give people your love, don’t give them your like.

Disconnect from the need to be heard and defined

Go out into the world, leave distractions behind.

Look up from your phone, shut down that display,

stop watching this video, live life the real way.

Credit: Gary Turk

A sacred phone call….

Have you ever told anyone. Call me if you need anything? I’m here for you if you need me. I do this often, and I mean it. I don’t ever say this to someone if I don’t mean it. Today I received a phone call… yes, THE phone call. I hear a cracking, tearful voice on the other end. I knew immediately who it was before she even said who she was. I immediately stood up and gave this phone call my full attention. This was important, she trusted me enough to save my phone number after several years and I was a safe place for her. I have never been on the receiving end of a phone call like this before. I knew I had to help. I was very calm and listened to her & when she asked me to help I told her absolutely and I would do anything for her and I went to work. I worked out all the details, spoke with my husband. Called a trusted family member I knew would know the answer to my questions of what I needed to do to help her. I was scared, I knew in my soul, in this moment I would make sure the mountains were moved and I would make this happen. I’ve never wanted to reach into my phone and hug someone the way I did today. Wether it’s Grief, Postpartum Depression or any reason what so ever, if you’ve reached out to someone in your circle in a moment of desperation looking for help, you are STRONG & you deserve a standing ovation cause it is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done in my life. I’ve been there, more than I even want to admit. I have always felt, if you have the means and ability to help someone you should. I try to live by this. It may be something as small as a smile, a monetary donation to a Fund account, a meal to a family in your community. No act of kindness is ever too small. Ever. If you find yourself on the other end of that phone and you’re reaching out asking for help, do not feel like your a bother, do not feel ashamed. Your courage is admirable.

The Truth about Motherhood | Unspoken Mama

Does anyone remember the day you brought your sweet baby into the world? Better yet, do you remember the first week? I have 3 kids, my youngest two being a year apart in age. I vaguely remember much of anything from the first few minutes of their little lives to the entire first week in its entirety. It’s heartbreaking, and a little scary to be honest. I believe I would be dishonest if I told you otherwise. It’s a whirlwind of emotion, bliss and absolute pure exhaustion. How we group these feelings together is amazing to me. From 1st time Mamas to Mamas with 6 kids or more. Once our sweet babies are born, we turn into these super human machines who, despite the fear & the unknown we just do it. We do it. We were made for this right? Yes, God gave us this incredible superpower called motherly instinct. I have to give God all the Glory for this cause it’s what kept me going in those very early days, but I also feel like as much as this motherly instinct kicks in naturally we do other new Mamas a huge disservice. We only seem to share all of the good, the happy, the excitement. What about the other feelings? Yes, you know…. the sadness, the anxiety, the fear. The fear is oftentimes crippling. I know I can’t be the only one who has experienced these other feelings. It’s confusing when we feel like this because this is supposed to be the happiest time of our lives right? Right… But after the new wears off, the fog lifts & if you’re lucky the meal trains end and the flood of people stop calling, texting or stopping by, reality hits. You’re often times left alone to face the hard stuff by yourself. I felt so ashamed. I didn’t want to tell anyone how fear started to rule my life, the anxiety of everything that was going on around me was making me feel hopeless. Who do you call when reality hits? My mom was my go to. But I didn’t share the darkness with her. I was embarrassed. I am supposed to be this strong, independent machine. No, no, I wasn’t. I was weak, I was sad, so sad that I could barely get myself out of bed to get my oldest up and off to school most days. Postpartum depression is real, it’s confusing, it’s shameful and it has no boundaries. Long nights of crying, little sleep and desperation magnified these feelings. Then anger, oh anger makes you feel so out of control. You’re angry about everything. The dog, your husband and his sleep filled nights. Your other children. The people around you who you feel should be supporting you and when they don’t do what you need it makes you feel unloved. Feeling unloved was the worst feeling of all for me. When I look back, now I understand this is the desperation telling me I am unloved. I wasn’t. But my gosh, when you’re in the trenches of dirty diapers, dirty bottles, dishes and laundry with little to no help, not feeling loved is the worst feeling. This cycle of postpartum depression is viscous and spares no ugliness. I reached out to many people in my pipeline. Hey girl, how are you? Want to get together this week? Silence. Hey girl, wanna have lunch this week? Silence. Posted in my Private Mom group about the way I was feeling. No comments. Not one single person. I needed to know someone could relate, was feeling this way, understood. Silence. It was devastating. I remember looking at this perfect, tiny little baby and crying from the pit of my stomach with my tears falling onto her sweet face and telling her “I love you so much, but I’m so sorry I am not a good Mama” I was desperate for a connection, with anyone. I talked to my baby, told her how sad I was, but told her I loved her and it wasn’t her fault. It wasn’t. With the help of medicine and eventually sharing my dark feelings with my Husband and his sweet words of encouragement, things did get easier. When I decided to open up and share my struggles with postpartum depression and life, it’s taken me months to actually get the courage to start this blog and write out these feelings. I know it will be healing and with time, if I help one Mama that might be feeling this way but doesn’t understand why, I will feel like it’s worth it. It’s okay to feel this way, it’s okay to not understand why you’re sad, angry or unloved. The truth about Motherhood is there are gonna be happy times, sad times, and times where you’re absolutely done and need a break. If you’re questioning whether you’re a good Mama, you’re already a good Mama. We need to remind ourselves and the women around us, We are Human, we are not machines. We have needs and we need to remember to take care of our needs to be able to continue taking care of the needs of our family. A shower, a quiet drive to the grocery store alone, a night out with our husband, a quiet evening to read or catch up on the DVR. Those are small things that revive my soul and give me the energy I need for those hard days, those 14 hour Daylight Savings Times, my husband is working 10 hours days. Celebrate the little victories and remember, you are LOVED. The tiny people who depend on you daily but also exhaust you to depths you never realized were even possible LOVE you more than anything in their little lives & for me today that is ENOUGH.

I see you, Sweet Mama

I see you, Sweet Mama…. I see you.

I see you posting pictures of your baby belly, patiently awaiting the arrival of your sweet baby. I see you Sweet Mama.

I see you sharing the first most magical moments of your new life with this precious tiny bundle of joy. I celebrate with you because I know the joy and excitement you are feeling. I see you sweet Mama

I see your beautiful smile, but in the back of your mind you’re absolutely scared to the core of your inner being. It’s okay, Sweet Mama, I see you.

I see your first days at home pictures. The cute outfits and the perfectly placed bows on their head. I see you Sweet Mama.

I see your husbands first day back to work post. Am I doing this right? Is my baby okay if I set her down for 2 minutes while I use the bathroom? I need to wash the load of laundry we’ve made today, how do I work this baby carrier? Can she breathe? I see you Sweet Mama.

I see your post about your baby’s days and nights being mixed up. What can I do to help? I am absolutely exhausted and I cannot remember one piece of advice I was given over the past 9 months. I see you Sweet Mama.

I see you as your entire life is changed, flip flopped, turned upside down. This tiny human who is relying on you for every single need at this moment. You are doing everything in your power to make sure your sweet baby is well taken care of, fed, bathed, happy and content. I see the look of pure exhaustion in your face, it’s familiar I know it well. I see your fear, am I doing this right? Are you too hot? Too cold? Do you need your diaper changed again? Do you already need to eat again? Am I doing this wrong? Why is she sleeping so much? Is she sleeping enough? Am I enough?

YES, you are… you are incredible, you are amazing. You may not know everything at this moment, but you are enough for this precious and perfect tiny human being. You are a GOOD MAMA and you will get through the long nights and explosive poppy diapers, cluster feeding, sleeping stretches that may seem like they will never wake. You will get more than 2 hours of broken sleep again one day. You will be able to wake up ahead of your baby one day and enjoy a divine cup of coffee that fills your soul full of warmth and gives you the confidence and energy to take on the day. The years are short and the days are long Sweet Mama, these are the years that flash before your eyes and you turn around and you’re celebrating 1st Birthdays then 1st days of Kindergarten and 1st Day of Dance class. I see YOU, Sweet Mama…I see YOU.